The Paradox of Boundaries – How Setting Healthy Boundaries Actually Bring People Closer

I was recently talking to a friend of mine about someone he is close to who consistently “crosses the line” and says things that hurt his feelings. We were going back and forth about how to navigate the situation and improve the relationship. After some time, my friend shrugged and, in a defeated tone, said, “This is just how it’s always going to be.”

He was feeling something I believe we all have faced at some point, how difficult it can be to set boundaries.

Depending on how you grew up and your own experiences, the phrase “setting boundaries” alone can carry a lot of emotional weight. For some, it may stir up fear about having to stand up for yourself. Maybe it brings to mind a parent or boss who demanded complete control. Perhaps it makes you think about confidence or a lack thereof.

In my experience, regardless of what comes up for you, setting boundaries is hard. I also believe it is necessary for healthy, intimate relationships. With that in mind, I wanted to share a few perspectives that may provide clarity and confidence around healthy boundaries, along with examples to see these ideas in action.

Boundaries should focus on changing your own behavior, not theirs. This is the hardest perspective shift, so I will start here. The reality is that we have no control over whether someone close to us will change. We may be tempted to use boundaries as a form of punishment or consequence for their behavior, but that often leads to more conflict. A healthy boundary communicates what you will do if the behavior continues.

Example: “If you continue to bring up politics during family dinners, I will remove myself from the conversation for the rest of the evening.”This clearly establishes what the speaker will do if things do not change.

Communicating boundaries clearly to people we care about is a form of love. When we clearly express what bothers us to someone who cares about us, we are communicating that the relationship matters. We are also showing trust. We trust that they do not want to hurt us and that they are capable of loving us well when given clarity.

Example: “I value your friendship, but I will need to take a step back if the negative jokes about my spouse continue.”This emphasizes care and a desire to preserve the relationship while addressing the hurt.

Setting boundaries builds self-respect, confidence, and clarity around how you deserve to be treated. Regardless of context, healthy boundaries teach your nervous system what is and is not acceptable. Imagine yourself standing beside you as a small child. Now imagine that child walking with you throughout your life. After each interaction, that child looks up and asks, “Is the way that person treated you okay?”

What behaviors do you want that younger version of you to believe are acceptable? When you define what is and is not appropriate, you begin to trust yourself to protect and care for that child within you.

Example: “I’m not comfortable with you coming over without calling first. If you come by without letting me know, I won’t be able to let you in.”This clearly communicates what behavior is crossing the line and what will happen moving forward.

If setting boundaries has been difficult for you, you are not alone. Human relationships are messy. I would be lying if I said I always know exactly which boundaries someone should set or with whom. But what I do know is that when done with clarity and respect, healthy boundaries can help parents reconnect with children, spouses reconnect with one another, and individuals reconnect with themselves.

If this is something you would like to explore, please give us a call. We would love to help you establish healthy, self-respecting boundaries in your life.