How Do I Support My Teen? Three Guiding Principles for Building Self-Worth

One of the questions I get asked most as a therapist who works with kids and teens is from parents who ask “what is the best way I can support my teen?” Oftentimes, they are hoping I will tell them what behavior to start or stop doing as parents, or what words they should say when their teen gets home from school that will build connection and offer support.

This question comes from a deep desire to ensure their teen is doing well and that the parent is doing everything they can to set them up for success. As a parent myself, it is one I have asked as well! Teens today are growing up in a time where everyone has access to one another all the time via the internet and social media, creating the alluring trap of comparison for many teens that are in the midst of forming their sense of identity and self-worth.

My hope with this blog is to offer some comfort to you if you have found yourself anxious or concerned about your teen’s identity or self-worth, as well as providing some practical tools to help them explore themselves.

While not every teen is the same, there are some core principles that can act as a “North Star” of sorts, to help give direction when the specific words or actions to take seem unclear. Here are three guiding principles that will help you empower your teenager to explore their sense of self-worth and build resilience.

1. Curiosity = Connection

   It may seem simple, but being curious about your teen’s interests or their life does much more for their self-worth than it may seem. Beneath the surface of conversations about their sports teams or their academics, or their hobbies, you are providing them with a message that every teen needs to hear and deeply longs for. The message is “What you are passionate about is important to me and you are valuable.” The hard part is oftentimes our teen may be passionate about something that we feel like isn’t as important as their academics or their friendships. The key here is to be curious about what they are passionate about, not what we want to know. When we are able to hit pause on the business of our lives to be curious about the world of our teen, we foster a deep connection that teaches them they are valuable to us.

   
   

2. Keeping Your Word

   I feel like I need to start with a disclaimer on this tool. This is not a call to perfection. The reality is that we as parents won’t always be able to keep our word. Whether it’s because we forget or life gets in the way, things will come up that prevent us from showing up in ways we have promised. The key here is to keep our word when we can, and when we can’t, acknowledge it and apologize. Oftentimes I feel a great sense of shame if I am unable to keep my word to my child, and that shame sometimes causes me to want to justify it or act as though it didn’t happen at all. The act of apologizing moves my shame out of the way and places my child’s value above the value of my reputation. When we are able to own our mistakes to our children, we teach them that they are worthy of being treated with respect and not to settle for disrespect from others or from themselves.

   
   

3. Understanding Your Own Story

   It may seem counterintuitive, but one of the primary factors that contribute to a healthy sense of self-worth in teens and children is the sense of self-worth of the parents and caregivers. When we as parents understand our own story, we are able to better attune, or connect, with those around us. When we have explored our own strengths and weaknesses, it allows us to know and be known by our children, which in turn teaches them to better know themselves.

There is not a ‘one size fits all’ way to help teens explore their sense of self-worth, but by following these tools, we can connect with them in a way that shows them how much we value them.

If you believe you or your teen would benefit from understanding your own stories, we at Counseling Reimagined would be honored to walk alongside you! Click here to speak with our intake coordinator and book your complimentary call!