"You'll be okay," "In God's timing ____ will happen," and "Everything happens for a reason" are all words that we've heard, or maybe we've shared with someone who is grieving. Truth bomb... it is unlikely that those words made a lasting impact and more likely that they produced the opposite of their intended results.
Grief is messy, and because it is messy, it makes us uncomfortable. When we're uncomfortable because of our own pain or someone else's, we often try to soothe by making things seem lighter... and, well, easier. Grief isn't easy, though, and it's unhelpful for us to pretend otherwise.
It can be challenging to know what to do when we see the people we love in pain. It seems overly simple, but most people want to feel that they are not alone. How can you help? Here are a few suggestions:
Hold space for them. Sit with them. Listen to them. Reflect back to them. Name what their grief is. (death of a loved one, death of a pet, loss of a job, trauma, etc.) Voice that it sucks. DON'T try to fix them.
If it's the loss of a loved one or a pet, share your memories about that person or send photos of them. Send your loved one a text when that person comes to mind, and share why. Share in the grief.
Show up for them. Be available. Make something that is currently challenging for them slightly less challenging. Cook meals, send food gift cards or meal trains or send a basket of their favorite goodies - personalized things that will make them feel seen and known. Offer to do an after-school pickup. Ask what day this week is best for you to come over, and when you come over, ask if it's okay if you do for them what you would want to be done for you, and if given permission, do it. Mow the lawn, do the laundry, or take the dog for a walk. Get creative and think about what you might find helpful if the roles were reversed or something you found beneficial in the past.
Some people don't want you to DO for them; they want you to BE with them - which is why it's essential to ask permission before acting.
Only offer help if you want to and are willing to follow through. Otherwise, state that you're thinking of them and empathize the best way you can. "I'm so sorry. This really sucks. I'm thinking of you."
Don't minimize their pain or compare it to yours. Everyone experiences grief differently, and one person can experience the same grief differently throughout the changing seasons of life.
Continue to check in. When people go through grief, they typically experience an abundance of support at the beginning that quickly tappers off. Grief isn't something that disappears - we learn to carry it. Be willing to name the loss and ask how they're doing with it - weeks, months, and years down the road. "I know it's been six months since ___'s death. How are you doing with the loss?"
Supporting others doesn't make their grief disappear, but it can significantly lessen the blow.
Holding space for others can be draining and, if not done consciously and with intention, may lead to burnout. Make sure you're fully taking care of yourself before attempting to help others, which means checking in with you before offering to carry the load with those around you.
On certain days you will have the capacity to hold space and help. Some days you won't. It's okay to accept where you're at. In fact, to change it, you must first accept it.
If you're experiencing burnout from helping, consider addressing yourself from the bullet points above. Hold space for yourself, willingly show up for yourself, don't compare or minimize your experience, and check in regarding your needs. You're worth it!
Please reach out if you need help processing your grief or learning more about supporting those in grief.
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